Found out today that Nobby (Terry Clarke) died of a heart attack last friday, just three days ago. He was 47 and concidered by many of us as one of the slightly more healthy than the rest. He was certainly fighting fit and that's for sure.

Nobby had a huge effect on me when I was younger and I looked up to him from the start. When my older brother first introduce me to the biker scene, the people I felt a bond with instantly were Rod, Nobby and Aidy, and along with my brother, I thought they were indestructable and the most 'real' people I had ever met. The statement 'they don't make 'em like that anymore' is both apt and true. They were a brotherhood to be wreckoned with.

Nobby did more in a weekend than many will do in their lifetime - as did Scott, who was only 36, and had more 'life' in a fragment of a toenail cutting than most have in their entire bodies. The way they lived was a demostration of that and anyone who knew them can concider themselves blessed.

Rest in peace Brothers.

I usually work to a more traditional form when writting poetry but am having a go at a more free form style at the mo, which often means I end up with little more than a list of words. But I plan on working on this one much more and for all I know it will end up a sonnet or something.

Living.

Be moving, be doing - and don't ever stop.
Move out, move up, move on.
Progress, achieve, grow, succeed.
Put down roots.
Breed.

Bake biscuits --
never forgetting to remember,
once in a while, to let them burn.

Spread your wings;
Save for a rainy day.
Believe what you see.
Dream about thinking.
Pass on what you know.

Keep chickens.
Recycle everything.
Believe in a rainy day.
Bake babies, never forgetting to,
once in a while, let them learn.
Think about dreaming.
Save your spread.
Put down wings;
Move roots.

Ok, so now I've got a bike that I'm actually legal to ride, which means that in theory I'm mobile. Haven't gone out on it yet - will take a day or two to finalise the paperwork. And then I'll be all out of excuses. God damn it!

The main motivating factor at this exact moment in time is the thought of moving out of the city, finally. I'm looking at loads of properties online and have registered with several agencies. But if they don't find me something soon I may go on a killing spree - the city is doing my fucking head in! I just want peace. Living in a flat that has a school either side of it was not a great idea and for the past couple of years the neighbours above have been a single mother with two boys, 9 and 14. I can't remember that last time I couldn't hear constant thundering about. It's way past time I was out of here! Saw house of my dreams yesterday which had 3 bedrooms and was £100 cheaper a month than I already pay; not surprisingly it had gone.

Anyway... cock!

It's been several months since I last voiced the fact that Damien Hurst is a retarded cunt.

There... done!

Till next time.

Push on, move up, progress, achieve, grow
Spread your wings. Breed.
Put down roots.
Save for a rainy day.
Believe what you see and
what you're told to believe.
Dream about thinking;
have ideas about thoughts -
pass it on; spread the word.
Put down wings.
Move roots.

 

Somnambulists

This is the first book cover I designed and laid out. Hopefully the first of many.

I want to be in love. I want to belong to someone. I want someone to want me to want them. I want someone that wants to be possessed and much as I do.

These attitudes seem a little out of kilter with modern, western sentiments. But I see no evidence that people's desires have changed much, if at all, since the sexual revolution... whenever that was, and whatever that means. Probably some git of a journalist came up with that darling little term.

I guess that's why I've avoided romantic relationships at every possible opportunity. I should have lived in a more romantic time, like the 16th century - there's nothing more romantic than filth, poverty and plague, right?

I think, like most people, couple-dom is what I want: a loving couple - what could be better? But I do have to say that I have a fascination with menage-a-tois, and no that's not the same as a threesome - jeeze peeps, get your mind out of the gutter for a second!

It's just that I can't help thinking that the problems I see a lot of couples having come down to boredom of routine etc. But if there are more than two people in the relationship how can that not be a good thing? Of course they are rare, as the dynamics of the relationship have to kind of be in place from the outset. Either that or the people involved have to be extremely open minded.

It's a curious thing to think about anyway. We all want to be part of a couple, but sometimes I think that we just think that. And other times I just think that I really, really want to be part of a couple ;-)

Had my fist real attempt at kite flying/jumping today, and great fun it was too! I only managed a couple of good ones and the sense of the wind taking you is quite humbling to say the least, especially as you land! Humbling... in a really exciting way! If you don't control it the kite will throw you into the ground at tremendous speed; it's not to be done without commitment... and a little practice helps too. I've been filming Ror and Haze for so many weeks now that I felt I should have some idea of what to do. But of course when you actually do something it always feels different to how you'd imagined. Well most of the time anyway.

Would love to do more with all the footage I'm getting but my PC seems to struggle with most of it; I'll struggle on with my PC.

Clocks went forward last night, and I still don't know anyone who doesn't wish they'd just leave them alone in Winter. However, today it did exagerate the sense of Summer coming even more and the Sun makes everybody a happier bunny. And the world needs happier bunnies.

Should be doing more motorbike stuff soon. Iain's going to coming round with the bike he sourced for me, a Kawasaki 500 commuter bike, which I still haven't even seen! Must sort out some sort of covering for it out back - can't have it at the front of the house as it'd get knicked or damaged.

Any - onwards and upwards... apparently!

I've had an online presence for about ten years now, starting off with the forum aapc (alt.arts.poetry.comments) which was a good learning ground about things like netiquette and trolls, lurkers etc. Many sites were in advance of those that exist now and I have watched them evolve into other things or disappear only to pop up again years later as something else entirely. Twitter is all the rage in certain quarters at the moment (ten years ago there was sms.ac which did the same thing only an aweful lot better) and it's another example, FaceBook still being the best, of people who wouldn't normally, or have never before interacted with an online community, getting heavily involved. It feels a bit like how a real drinker must feel when at Christmas and New Year's Eve non-drinkers go out and fill up all the pubs and clubs and 'drinking establishments'. Probably not a great analogy that... but hey!

On Facebook people add you as a friend but leave no message and don't contact you. It's bit like going up to someone, tapping them on the shoulder and saying 'Oi!' Then immediately walking off without looking back or ever speaking to them again. Not that it matters; it's just another evolutionary step of the way in which we communicate online. Bloody kids! And now the uninitiated parents are learning from those kids! Fuck! But no, really is doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter at all. Not at all... and calm....

On the plus side! - I am finding new people into some of the same things as me but always with a different view point, and I'm finding all kinds of stuff to do with art and writing and general net stuff. Lots of humour! Funny how you instantly connect with some people more than others, and quite quickly too. I love it, and do feel that for better or worse new technologies should be embraced. It's our future.

Personally I'd be happy for there to be a few tens of millions of human beings living on the planet much as the Aboriginies, Inuits, American Indians and Amazonians did, in harmony and maintaining a balance. That to me would be 'an' ideal, an not to be sniffed at.

But if there's to be tens of billions of us, and there will be soon, then we have to embrace technology. Unfortunately morals and ethics actually get in the way of the kind of developments needed, as the technologies of the past hundred years, increasingly so now, effect our biological evolution. We stopped being Human with the advent of Penicillin and the like. Now we have nano-medicines but are restricted in their use and development. And maybe rightly so?

Kate, God bless 'er, posed for me yesterday, and she hadn't done life modelling before, and it's not like we know each other really, really well, which maybe helped - I don't know. All I know is it went really well and I managed to produce a couple of drawings that I'll be able to work from when it comes to clay. We'll have more sessions, for sure, and have already discussed other posses etc.. But mainly I'm just super chuffed to have something beautiful to work on. Plus the pose we did yesterday will help me finish off the woman with big hips sculpture that was done using an old sketch for reference, and that sketch was from imagination, not a model. It's the arms and head that need work, or maybe just the decision to remove them completely. Bit worried the maquette of Rory will have dried out at Wensum Lodge as it's been a couple of weeks, as I missed this weeks class, which will mean doing it again as clay can't be re-wetted and hold it's form if it's been allowed to dry completely.

Have been on Twitter a lot lately. It's one of those sites that everyone will be on eventually, and like a lot of people I didn't really get it at first when I joined months ago but it's gaining popularity and I'm discovering it's just another convenient way to get information, stay informed and in touch with people you know, be entertained etc.. Reminds me a little of SMS.ac as it was about 10 years ago, before it slowly evolved into the rather suspicious FanBox. Stephen Fry is running a competition on Twitter at the mo, which involves coming up with a message containing 50 L's. The message has to be less than 140 characters, including spaces! I came up with:
HillbillyLilly silly4 willy willwellfollofellow uphill Lilsfolly4lolly isBrill willkilllTILLill allwillynilly 4large med& lilliput willy
Don't think I'll be winning the competition, somehow. hehe.

Continuing with figurative work in clay. Have several old sketches to work from, of things I've wanted to sculpt for years! It's going well. One or two people have offered to sit for me, which has never really worked out before with friends but it all seems to be coming together just right, right now.

Hope to make sketches of Estelle and Kate, and what with Rory and other sketches I have too, that should be enough to keep me busy for a while. I am becoming fascinated with the physical form again.

Should start getting things fired soon, which is going to be very exciting. You never know quiet what you're going to get until it comes out of the kiln!

We're getting some sunshine at the mo, which is lovely. Still cold but hey, sunshine!</div>

Started the clay modelling course a couple of days ago. It was great fun! Good teacher, who tells me that the method I want to use for figurative work is the most difficult he's ever seen and only knows one person that uses it, which is the man that developed it - some Italian genius whose name escapes me right now. I love the technique, as while it makes modelling and sculpting harder it has other advantages - the main one being speed: instead of sculpting out of solid clay, one makes tubes of clay for the limbs and a hollow case for the torso. Probably still needs to be split in two at the end of sculpting, carving out any excess clay from inside, and then sticking back together, which is the bit I find most unnerving.

Made a couple of sketches of Rory yesterday and took a couple of pictures to work from too. Should be an interesting process - still not sure how to get it to be free standing? My sketching abilities have gone to shit, not surprisingly as I'm not doing enough of it.

God, I've been in a slump! Time of year may have something to do with it, though I expect that's as much of an excuse as anything. No work has something to do with it, and my lack of motivation to do anything else, but again it's all just excuses. Too much weed, too much time on my own. As always: I need to get out more.

Have decided to start the clay modelling course using Rory as a model. And now that it's decided, I'm exited at the prospect and we've arranged to do a sitting before the 6th, which is when the course starts. It's going to be fascinating! Men are fundamentally more interesting physically - there is so much more going on and while I've drawn and painted hundreds of women, I've only used male models a few times. Hopefully, over the twelve weeks of the course, there'll be time to make several models of several people. Still not sure who else I can get to sit for me but there are lots of options as far as that goes as they don't all have to be naked, and the thought of trying to convincingly convey clothing etc. is becoming more interesting to me. I'm starting to think of it in terms of three dimensional portraiture, rather than anonymous model.

Andrew has announced that Elastic Press now no longer exists. Such a shame but no-one can blame him - he's done an amazing job over the past 6 years. He's only quitting as he has to work full-time as well run Elastic and always has done. I wish I was half as driven as he is.

Outside everything is covered with frost that's not shifting and it's cold as hell... if hell can be cold. It's cold as hell inside too except for the front room - can't wait to get the radiator fitted in the work room, which should happen in the next week or so.

Should be having another session on the motorbike soon - that'll get me buzzing for a few days. And I'll apply for my CBT pretty sharpish.

Being childless and single has been bothering me an awful lot lately. But I've just remembered that I'm a cunt, which I'm guessing may have something to do with it. --

I mentioned to someone the other day that I have always found the notion of a ménage à trois fascinating, and they thought I was talking about a threesome! See what I have to put up with!

Organizing thoughts… I don’t like the sound of that.  But I do have to start thinking in better ways and having more constructive thoughts.  Spending too much time watching movies, no matter how good they are (and let’s face it: they’re not always that good) is not the most useful, or even enjoyable thing I could be doing.
</p>
The FBI, rather surprisingly, came up with an extremely interesting discovery: In any situation that needs to be dealt with there are only two options: problem solve, or use emotionally focused coping methods.  [There’s a prize of a million pounds to anyone who can think of a workable alternative].
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Watching movies is an emotionally focused coping strategy, effective too, but before you know it life has passed by and all you’ve got to show for it is rather useless encyclopedic knowledge of films.  Woop-di-doo!

It's not possible for a man to wear women's clothing. Not unless there's a place with clothes that more than one woman wears and he decides to join in with the sharing. If a man wears clothes owned by a particular woman then he's wearing a woman's clothes, but so long as he has permission I don't see the problem. However, if a man is wearing clothes he paid for himself, or was given, then by definition he is wearing a man's clothes.

The problem with this kind of generic labeling is that it becomes parodic. In theory we now live in a time where the borders and boundaries are supposed to be blurring; I see no evidence of this. People are as bigoted as ever but merely better at veiling it, almost to the point where plenty of homophobes etc. have no idea that they are in fact homophobic... etc. as they are so used to speaking in politically correct terms. It's amazing just how quickly people pick that shit up.

anyway...

Christmas shopping is going well - nearly have everyone covered and there's a week to go. The neighbours above are away for a fortnight which means I get two weeks without constant thundering about upstairs - oh joy!

Went into town today and should've ended up going for a drink with Estelle and a bunch of her friends but made the mistake of smoking a joint before leaving the house and all my timing went to cock. Popped into The Playhouse and said hi to Rosalind, a girl who breaks my heart every time I see her. God, if only! Will try to go back in next Tuesday and say hi to Push. Headed home after a couple of hours mooching and got a call from Rory to go and see him as he was dog sitting and needed a ciggy. Should've made the effort to go back into town and see Estelle but had lost all momentum by the time I got home.

So instead of being out with a bevvy of girls having a fine time I find myself at home baking flapjacks and blogging. For fuck's sake somebody shoot me!

What goes up sometimes comes down.

On occasion water can be wet.

Under the right circumstances 2 + 2 will make 4.

Believing is seeing.

The shortest distance between two points is love.

The camera never lies when under duress.

Suicide is only one way of surviving this life.

Shit, fuck, bollocks! Work has ground to a halt. I know I said I wanted a break, but fuck! Then I remember that I have to go out and find work, which is never quick in coming at the best of times. Must chase up Andrew about his new publishing kind of idea for next year. So I have a slight sense of panic at the moment, mixed with mild anxiety, which confuses things, though it could be imagined of course. Loon!

Anyhooooo, other than that life goes on. Things are slowing down for Winter and hibernation mode is making itself comfy. Have been at home even more than usual and have started baking and cooking more; been making apple crumbles from the windfalls across the road - Yum! If I'm quick enough and get more before they rot I plan to stew them with a few sultanas and mixed spices and fill jars.

Have started thinking about getting presents for Christmas, which if I take notice of, will be the earliest I've got it together, as I usually leave it till the last minute like so many people. But the vibe is already out there and the city is a bit busier than usual. Spent a couple of hours yesterday wondering around town and came home with nothing!

Bought myself a new coat which should last years. And I got it just at the right time which was a couple of weeks ago and I started using it in the past few days. Have been debating with myself about whether or not to wax it, but don't want to ruin it. Perhaps Mr Miyagi could tell if I should 'wax on' or 'wax off'.

Got into doing some loose self portraits in charcoal and they went okay, but I need to try something else or another approach to keep things moving. That way some of the leg work will be done for when I ask someone to sit, or stand, or whatever. Have the opportunity to do a replica of a large abstracted seascape for a few hundred quid but I'm torn about the project and am tending to think of not doing it. The room I have to work in isn't really big enough for the size of picture, which is a shame as it would be a joy to do. It has however got me thinking of doing my own abstract seascapes at whatever the maximum size is for the space I've got. I've always wanted to have a go at seascapes but not living by the sea is a slight drawback, but if I get it together and get out there, do some sketching and take some photos, then I could work form those and memory. I'm also debating about what kind of paint to go for; there's a lot of choice now and not dealing with spirit based paints has so many advantages - it's just such a shame that oils feel so much nicer!

Things have slowed on the motorbike front as Rory and Hazel have been busy with other things for a while but it will pick up again soon - hopefully before the weather gets really grim.

I'm sticking with trying out contact lenses and found that the vari-focal ones screw up my distance vision. The standard lenses are about 80% as good as my glasses, which apparently is normal. So while they're not perfect, I'm going to get some to wear occasionally. I found that they are much cheaper online - about a third of what a shop charges!

Right, I'm boring myself now, so I'm going. Blah!

I live in a world of opposites.

Men have often struck me as being rather simple and romantic in their desires, whereas women strike me as being rather cold and practical.

What most people call fun, I call insanity. What most people call music, I call repetitive noise which at best is hypnosis and at worst is brain washing.

What most people call worthwhile - work, kids, money, holidays - I call a crying shame.

What most people call informative and interesting, I call false and dull beyond belief.

Most people's concept of fairness, justice and honesty is something that disgusts me.

Ever since it became the norm for the worst students to end up as teachers, which seems to have been going on for some time now, we have seen the dumbing down of nations and cultures.

The rancid belief, held by many of these people, that every opinion is valid is one of the main culprits in this process. It leads to decisions like the one I've just heard announced in the news that sex education is about to be made compulsory in primary schools. Which begs the question of what is meant by 'sex education'? No doubt there'll be lots of reports and research and discussions all promising to be comprehensive about the subject, but in the end what will probably happen is that the mere mechanics will be taught more than anything else.

See, the problem is these fuck-wits are reasonable people. And how do you convince a reasonable person that some things are beyond reason? Wisdom and experience can be explained, but only to someone who wants the truth and is prepared to take as long as it takes to see it.

I've noticed that when I'm drawing with charcoal, or whatever, and I see that a certain collection of marks on the paper are beginning to look just like the real thing, in the traditional sense, and with just a bit of tweaking they really could look almost exactly as it does in life, that I start tweaking. Tweaking, tweaking, tweaking... and then I remember: this isn't what I meant to do; this isn't fun! And I attack the picture with as much force as I can muster (though not as much as I'd like due to the easel being a fairly feeble one. But I've secured it as best I can for now and it's working reasonably well. - We work with what we have.) and I start enjoying myself much more and the results are much more satisfying. It's a more physical approach the process of drawing. The tricky part is to avoid getting an overly dark, heavy looking image and you have to find another way of bringing back lightness to the overall feel of the thing.

I still enjoy the more traditional way of working too. But there's a time and a place for everything.